vive la grande nation

Advice for American travellers  going to France
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> The following advice for American travellers  going to France was compiled from information provided by the US State  Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and  Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and some  very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only.
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>  General Overview
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> France is a medium-sized foreign country  situated in the
continent of Europe. It is an important member of the  world
community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It  is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller  nations of no particular importance And with not very good  shopping.
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> France is a very old country with many treasures, such  as the Louvre and Eurodisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
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> Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans  to get decent Mexican food. Of continuous exasperation for American  visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many  will speak English if shouted at. Watch your money at all  times.
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> The People
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> France has a population of 56  million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 4 million  are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are  dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in a  queue. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud,  arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good  points.
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> Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you  would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists.  Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they  kiss each other when they meet.  American travelers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colourful  trousers for easier recognition.
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> Safety
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>  In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be  aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally,  the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of  Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and  stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on  much as before.
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> A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath  the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier  for the French government to flee to London during future German  invasions.
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> History
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> France historical figures are  Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de  Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an  airport.
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> Government
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> The French form of  government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less  continuously and always result in a draw. The French love administration  so for government purposes the country is divided into regions,  departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages,  cafes, and telephone kiosks.
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> Each of these has its own  government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper  and Lower, though confusingly they are both on the ground floor, and  whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should  be trusted by the traveller.
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> Parliament's principal  occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the south Pacific and acting  indignant and surprised when other countries complain.
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> According to the most current American state department
intelligence,  the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not  available at this time.
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> Culture
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> The French pride  themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their  music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would  want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
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>  Cuisine
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> Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it,  a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the  other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible for most  Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised  to stick to cheeseburgers.
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> Economy
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> France has a large and diversified economy; second only to
Germany's in  Europe, which is surprising because the French
hardly work at all. If  they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike  and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's  principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine,  nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade  launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments  and cheese.
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> Public Holidays
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> France has more  holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national  holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16  Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph  as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napolean sent into Exile  Days, 17 Napolean Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great  and the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days.
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>  Conclusion
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> France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and  varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it could be a very  nice country if French people did not inhabit it.  This is the  best thing that can be said for France.
 

fragt sich nur, wer hiermit mehr auf den Arm genommen wird, die Franzosen oder die Amerikaner

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