Grimme-Preis für irakischen Informationsminister?

Top Ten Things Iraq's Information Minister Has To Say About The War

10. "We're pulling down the statues of Saddam to have them cleaned"

9. "Don't believe that stuff you see on CNN...or NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox or MSNBC"

8. "If you ask me who the winner is, it depends on what your definition of 'is' is"

7. "Iraqi television is off the air because we didn't want you to have to sit through 'Becker'"

6. "Do you know of any job openings for a lying weasel?"

5. "Wolf Blitzer and I are engaged"

4. "Iraqis are in the streets celebrating Cher's 40 fabulous years in show business"

3. "Incoming!"

2. "Saddam's not dead -- he's just out with a case of the shingles"

1. "War? What war?"

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Wenn es noch Gerechtigkeit auf dieser Welt gibt, dann erhält der irakische Noch-Informationsminister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf nachträglich den  Grimme-Preis 2003. Und wenn das bereits zu spät sein sollte, dann könnte er wenigstens den diesjährigen  Grimme Online Award und zwar in der Kategorie Infotainment erhalten. Schließlich hat der kleine Mann mit der Brille gut drei Wochen lang uns und die Welt mit seinen Geschichten aus 1001 Nacht auf höchstem Niveau unterhalten, dabei weder Tod noch Teufel noch US-GIs gescheut und ist täglich live im Bagdad vor die Kameras gegangen, um der Welt die Welt und den Krieg zu erklären. Aus seiner ganz persönlichen Sicht, an der er bist zum Schluss konsequent festgehalten hat. Und vor allem hat er durch seine subtilen, aber äußerst beredten Auftritte all den hoch bezahlten Infotainment-Experten des alliierten Lagers, also den Fleischers und Co., konsequent die Show gestohlen.



Doch nach dem Fall Bagdads ist der irakische Informationsminister scheinbar von der Bildfläche unserer Fernsehgeräte verschwunden. Aber zum Glück nur scheinbar, denn trotz fehlender Live-Auftritte ist er präsenter denn je. So hat er in der Berliner TAZ inzwischen die Kolumne "Die Wahrheit" übernommen und erklärt von dort aus "die Phänomene des Lebens". Am vergangenen  Samstag beispielsweise den Frühling: "Wir haben alles unter Kontrolle, besonders den Frühling. Draußen hat es fast dreißig Grad. Heute Nachmittag soll es noch wärmer werden. Ich garantiere Ihnen, dass Sie heftig ins Schwitzen geraten werden. Sämtliche Freibäder haben bereits geöffnet. Wegen des guten Wetters ist der Eintritt frei."

Aber auch in der internationalen Kulturszene ist er, wie der Musikjournalist Hollow Skai herausgefunden hat, mittlerweile als Förderer der schönen Künste aktiv. Ohne seine Unterstützung wäre die aktuelle Ausstellung der irakischen Nationalgalerie Diktator der Herzen so brillant jedenfalls kaum denkbar gewesen.

Dass al-Sahaf dagegen nicht in dem Kartenspiel der US-Army auftaucht, mit dessen Hilfe prominente irakische Saddam-Unterstützer dingfest gemacht werden sollen, hat seinen Grund. Die amerikanische Wirtschaft benötigt nämlich dringend seine Unterstützung, wie David Callaway in einem sensationellen Bericht von  CBS.MarketWatch.com aufgedeckt hat: "Forget Saddam. Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf is the man who needs to be found safely -- and then transported to Wall Street." Und Callaway spielt auch gleich mehrere mögliche Einsätze von al-Sahaf durch ­ beispielsweise den als Sprecher von Microsoft.
 
Q. Reporter: Mr. Sahhaf, does Microsoft intend to appeal the federal judge's decision that it was, in fact, a monopoly.
Sahhaf: Decision, what decision? Don't make me laugh. There has been no decision. The government's lawyers are criminal dogs. They should be hit with shoes. At this moment, God is grilling their stomachs in hell for challenging our monop ... er, company.  

Auch die US-Talkshows sind natürlich längst auf den rührigen Iraker aufmerksam geworden. So hat ihn David Lettermen eine seiner beliebten Top-Ten-Listen gewidmet: "Top Ten Things Iraq's Information Minister Has To Say About The War." Und neben zahlreichen Zitatensammlungen im Netz (z.B.: http://www.brainyquote.com/infominister.html), die seine hohe literarische Unterhaltungskunst belegen, gibt es mit  WeLoveTheIraqiInformationminister.com seit wenigen Tagen auch eine richtige Fanseite.

Doch als sie online gegangen ist und einige Medien darüber berichtet haben, ist sie unter dem Ansturm der Infominister-Fans zusammengebrochen. Seit Sonntag ist sie wieder zu erreichen. Und wer Lust hat, kann auf dieser Netzseite unter anderem Schauspieler vorschlagen, die die Rolle von Saeed al-Sahaf in dem geplanten Hollywood-Streifen "The Minister" spielen sollen. Favorit ist übrigens im Augenblick Sydney Pollack, allein schon wegen der großen Ähnlichkeit.

Und genau dort haben wir dann auch den ersten Witz gefunden über Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, den seine Fans liebevoll MSS nennen:
 
MSS stirbt, und 25 Engel werden geschickt, um ihn in den Himmel zu holen. Als Gott gefragt wird, warum dafür so viele Engel notwendig gewesen sein, antwortet er: "Fünf, um ihn zu holen. Und 20, um ihn zu überzeugen, dass er wirklich tot ist."  

Resümee: Da es Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf gelungen ist, die Fernseh- und Onlinewelt durch seine Auftritte nachhaltig zu begeistern und zu erschüttern, muss er also umgehend mit einem Grimme-Preis ausgezeichnet werden. Und wer ihn jetzt nominieren möchte, der sollte diese Seite des Grimme Online Award schnell mal aufsuchen. Dort lassen sich natürlich auch andere Web-Angebote vorschlagen ...

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Are these the Americans? People remain silent and placate the Americans. By God, they only deserve scorn. We slaughtered them yesterday and we will continue to slaughter them.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

As for the mercenaries who advanced to the perimeters of Saddam International Airport, I would like to remind you of something. I will mention something that will make the picture clear for you and help you to understand what took place at Saddam International Airport. Most of you probably saw the American movie "Wag the Dog". I hope you remember it. Some of their acts that took place at dawn yesterday and today are similar to what happened in "Wag the Dog". If we succeed in keeping them isolated on that island, and we are determined to do so, we might let them taste a second mini Dien Bien Phu tonight. The European journalists remember it well. Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly. They are completely surrounded now.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Blair... is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these mercenaries in a crematorium.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

I can assure you that those villains [American's and British] will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

I told you yesterday that the shock has backfired on them. Indeed, they are shocked because of what they have seen. No one received them with roses. They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets. Now, the game has been exposed. Awe will backfire on them. This is the boa snake. We will extend it further and cut it in the appropriate way.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

I would like to clarify a simple fact here: How can you lay siege to a whole country? Who is really under siege now? Baghdad cannot be besieged. Al-Nasiriyah cannot be besieged. Basra cannot be besieged.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Iraqi fighters in Umm Qasr are giving the hordes of American and Brtish mercenaries the taste of definite death. We have drawn them into a quagmire and they will never get out of it.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Once again, I blame al-Jazeera before it ascertains what takes place. Please, make sure of what you say and do not play such a role.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

No, I am not scared and neither should you be!
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there. But at the end we are the people who are laying siege to them. And it is not them who are besieging us.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

One hundred infidels commited suicide as they entered the holy city of Bagdhad. Their tanks will become their tombs.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Our initial assessment is that they will all die.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Search for the truth. I tell you things and I always ask you to verify what I say. I told you yesterday that there was an attack and a retreat at Saddam's airport.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

The authority of the civil defence... issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they are booby traps. I am not talking about the American people and the British people. I am talking about those mercenaries. They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

The Cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two days, we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them. Until now they have refused to do battle with us. They are just going places. One can describe them as a boa: when it feels threatened, it runs to somewhere else.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

The simple fact is this: they are foreigners inside a country which has rejected them. Therefore, these foreigners wherever they go or travel they will be rained down with bullets from everyone. Attacks by members of the resistance will only go up.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

The United Nations [is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds. The battle is veryfierce and God made us victorious. The fighting continues.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

There is no presence of American infidels in the city of Baghdad.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

These flops are hitting places which are mainly civilian. Their strikes against Baghdad increase proportionally with their failures on the war front.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

These images are not the suburbs of Baghdad. From what I glimpsed, these gardens with rows of palm trees on the side, which you saw in the images, are located in the south of Abu Ghreib, where we have surrounded the Americans and British.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

They are sick in their minds. They say they brought 65 tanks into center of city. I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

They are superpower of villains. They are superpower of Al Capone.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

They [the Americans] are going to surrender or be burned in their tanks. They will surrender, it is they who will surrender.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra. The Americans are the people who are under siege. This is what should be understood here: Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them!
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Today, the tide has turned, we are destroying them.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Tonight, we will do something unconventional against them. This means: not by the military. We will do something that I believe will become a pretty example for those mercenaries. I would not be giving out a secret when I say that action in the dark against such mercenaries is effective, not through the action of armies.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

W. Bush, this man is a war criminal, and we will see that he is brought to trial.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We are in control, they are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We butchered the force present at the airport, we are destroying them.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We defeated them yesterday. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We have crushed the whole force which dared to venture there [the airport]. Now they're outside the wall and the heroic Republican Guard is now in control of the whole area. So where are those villainous louts, those mercenaries?
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We will welcome them with bullets and shoes.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places... they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfarthers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf  

Viele fragen sich: Was macht eigentlich der beliebte irakische Informationsminister Mohammed Said al-Sahhaf, wenn der Irakkrieg vorbei ist? Die Antwort: Er ist Kolumnist der Wahrheit. Auf seine unverwechselbare Weise erklärt er die Phänomene des Lebens:

Wir haben alles unter Kontrolle, besonders den Frühling. Draußen hat es fast dreißig Grad. Heute Nachmittag soll es noch wärmer werden. Ich garantiere Ihnen, dass Sie heftig ins Schwitzen geraten werden. Sämtliche Freibäder haben bereits geöffnet. Wegen des guten Wetters ist der Eintritt frei. Sie können sich selbst davon überzeugen. Wir werden später eine kleine Rundfahrt machen. Vergessen Sie Ihre Badehose nicht! Was die Schneeflocken betrifft: Seien Sie unbesorgt, die gibt es nicht. Wir haben sie erfolgreich vertrieben. Sie waren nicht in der Lage, sich zu halten. Die Schneeflocken werden in der Hölle schmoren. Es gibt keinen kalten Wind, das sind alles Lügen. Der Regen wird in den Wolken stecken bleiben. Das schlechte Wetter wird Selbstmord begehen. Glauben Sie mir.

taz Nr. 7029 vom 12.4.2003, Seite 28, 34 Zeilen (TAZ-Bericht), mohammed said al-sahhaf,  in  

 

Favorit! 12 points!  

1001 Nacht.  

Brust prangte auch immer noch so´n Medaillon mit ´nem Hussein-Konterfei. Gibt´s die auch bei ebay?  

einmal "Größenwahn" genannt. Interessant mitzuerleben, wie sich die Ansichten bei Bedarf ändern.  

 

 

grrrrrrr  

Vertrag als Autor nicht verlängert. Dann gab es halt nichts mehr für den herren zu sagen. Gut er hätte sich immer noch ein: "In der Wüste scheint die Sonne, vorraussichtlich wird es warm." zwischen den Zähnen herauspressen können. Das hätte allerdings nur wieder die Börgerindustrie verunsichert. Warum kann ich jetzt auch nicht sagen, hat aber was mit Sonneneinstrahlung und Schuppenflechte zu tun.