Statement by the President

Statement by the President
Belfast, Northern Ireland

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. I am, once again, having one of these here quickie summits with someone I already know is going to agree with me three thousand percent. Some traitors may question the value of such a meeting, but it saves a whole mess of time (and you know how Laura likes to prowl around t-shirt stores!) if you surround yourself with folks who don't interrupt or add any different, extraneous ideas. Besides, this whole political opiate shebang generously provides a monumental photographic opportunity for those of you in the press who haven't died in my war.

Me and Tony Blair are meeting here in the magically delicious armpit that is Belfast for symbolic reasons. The English have occupied this sorry sucker of a country longer than Bushes have pretended to come from Texas. Northern Ireland will be the model for how America will govern its new piece of real estate: "Petroliana," previously known as Iraq.

The Muslamics will soon realize that while we Americans are righteous Christian people – and therefore the spoiled children of a god that actually exists and can get cool stuff for us – that they can still count on us to feign respect for and get along with folks like them who have sadly been hoodwinked by bearded clergy into buying into a faith that stinks like a wet pile of dysentery turds.

I feel very much at home here in Northern Ireland. These folks are drinkers and Protestant. Just like my family, only these guys are as poor as Mormon hookers, live in ugly little row houses and speak with weird accents that make them sound ignorant as Hell. Neverthemore, these good people have proved that they can get along peacefully with those Pope-kissing boozehound Catholics – just like we are going to get along with that grab-bag of human trash that lives in the country next to Iran that Exxon-Mobile just signed a hundred-year lease on.

You know, Mr. Blair was telling me over the suckass Irish lunch we had about how England has a long, wonderful history of slapping these potato-worshipers senseless whenever they cause the least little bit of trouble. Now, while that particular approach to disciple did not prove fruitful in dealing with Jenna, it did work wonders on Laura. And I am confident that America will be able to put England's model for keeping conquered and humiliated foreigners out of your hair – and pubs before church – to good use.

We are especially grateful for the 45,000 Englanders Tony Blair sent to distract and confuse the Eyerackys with their silly big hats and red uniforms long enough for our Godly American troops to sneak up behind and send them godless Mooslims straight to hell.

As for those of our Englican friends who lost their lives to American-taxpayer-bought weapons of adequate destruction, I want to assure all your loved ones that when we say "friendly fire," we mean it. Whether they're sending someone to Allah or Jesus, when our servicemen press a button to kill someone, they do it with a smile.

Today, just as we have in the past, me and Tony agreed to agree. He prattled on and on about something about "the future of Iraq belongs to the Iraqi people," and "after years of dictatorship, Iraq will soon be liberated." And I followed his lead by reading cue cards that talked about "building a nation that is whole, free and at peace with itself and its neighbors," and how Iraqazoids will soon appear to "choose their own representative government." Yadda yadda yadda you get the idea.

All you media monkeys got your snapshots and sound bytes? Good, then I can get back to killing.

Thank you. No questions.